Women in IT - Where is the equality?

Dear Insensitive Men,

We are creating networks and support organizations to encourage potentially talented and intelligent women to get through the waves of sexism so they can finally earn what they deserve.  Why are you making it so difficult for us to contribute to the society?  We are trying our best to make this a better world, through numerous factors, technology being one of them.  Together, as men and women, we can do it.  You sexist men, however, push us back.  Make us weak, depressed, make us try 100 times harder than you ever will.

Why?

When a boy asks for help, you teach them.  When a girl asks, you disrespect them, and do the job yourself like a hero.

Why is it that when she makes a mistake in her swedish, you cannot continue talking in swedish, instead of pointing out their mistakes.  She is aware, of her mistakes.

Why is it that when she asks about technical issues, you give her know information, no solution, show her no cause of the issue, but fix it without explanation?

Why is it, that when HE makes a mistake, you give him time to reflect and discuss improvement,
but when SHE does it, you complain, become passive aggressive, and point out her weaknesses?

Why is she CEO and getting paid less than another male CEO?
She is taking care of her family at home, bringing up good children, and she is taking care of her company, just like her children.  Yet she gets paid lower than a man whose main focus is to take care of his company. 

She wants to help, but you clearly show there is no way she can help. 

What exactly is going on here?  Were our brains made differently? Do you confuse the brain with the other physical parts that differentiate gender?

What time period are you living in?

Thanks for showing me what an idiot you are.  Today I got reminded again, that I am all on my own to tackle something.  I am just beginning to learn and when I know how to do something, I will definitely use it the right way.   I will spread that knowledge.  I will help every gender, every race to achieve it.  Because I have nothing to lose.  I will show you whose boss. 

Regards,

The brown techie girl 

Tani

Are you a Good Girl?

I had come across this awesome Tedx Talk by Camilla Lundin.  One of Stockholm's youngest and leading entrepreneurs.   CEO and Founder of Qalora Capital.  She talks about why you shouldn't be the "good girl", and how just daring and accepting your chances and mistakes can open a new gate to your highest possibilities to success. 

If it wasn't for Camilla Lundin's Tedx talk, I would have had one of the worst days of my life today.  I might have gone through a phase of depression, just like I have gone through earlier during the dark years in Sweden, through the very unfortunate tides of underestimation going through poor invisible me.  Poor me. 

Now let's think about these words carefully, "poor me".  The feeling of sympathy towards the self has always resulted in misery and unproductive days which I have been losing all this time.  Why say poor me, why me, when I can say NO, not me, not today.  I have to be my own hero.  It's how the world works.  I love myself, and I know how to approach myself.  I will not be hard on myself, but I will definitely challenge my heights because I know I have that in me. 

I have completed my first year as a professional in the field of IT.  Let me tell you what hit me hard     
Lessons learned last year and also relating to the video: 

Nice behaviour can be deceiving ..do not be fooled
Especially when you enter the professional world, there is not a single soul who will put you before themselves.  We complain that people are selfish, and yes, this is a fact.  We are human, and when we say people are selfish, we say that we ourselves are. And if that is not the case, then I say it's about time you become selfish!  Think for yourself and please prioritise, because it is up to you to make a difference.

Life is too short to complain about these matters.  Is somebody being selfish to you? Ok, here is a solution, you focus on yourself please.  Without hurting others, without leaving others in a mess.  Do it the "boss" way.  Do it like a real woman.

Don't say sorry, say thank you
Avoid apologizing, it will give all the excuses for somebody to potentially blame you in the future.  Do not expose your weakness by feeling sorry for yourself, but appreciate what you are given.  Instead of saying sorry, give an "I really appreciate your patience" reply. 

Learn how to express yourself,
Because nobody else knows you better than yourself.  You do not have any self description written on you for others to see.  Your clear valuable words bring out your originality.  Your actions prove your values. 

Be Tender and Kind
The most attractive feature of a person is their natural smile.  You face, your personality, your behaviour will define your image.  Don't ever forget that taking off ego, helping others, and spreading knowledge the best way possible are key qualities to being a true leader.  

Who am I? A mother, an engineer, a leader, a dreamer. I am Tani

I still remember the day when I got laughed at when I said, "Maybe I should look into IT".  As if I was being underestimated for being a nursing student, or maybe because I was a girl.  I really don't know why.  But it hit me hard.  So hard, that next month, I decided to learn how to code.

And, Hello World!

No, I won't forget the struggles.  I will never forget the loss, the failures.  I have faced cold tides, yet here I stand.  Just like the vague stretch marks that still remain after years of mothering, scars and bruises remain, carving my mind, gifting me wisdom in return.  Here I stand, while the world keeps turning, showing it's true colors, one worse than the other.  Here i stand alone.  Alone but strong.   Nothing can break me now.  Nothing at all.   

I am so blessed.  Despite all that I have been through while searching for the real ME,  it feels good to achieve something all by myself.  The final product.  What I have learned from this amazing journey of finding myself in a place called Sweden, is that the goals that I was after were initially achieved in the hardest way. 

I was aiming for completing my education, getting a good career, being appreciated, getting respect, becoming a good mother.  Quality living.  I was running after all this, but took the wrong way.  The long way.

I never knew before, that all I needed was confidence, strong discipline, faith, and patience.  Being persistent with whatever I do.  To not lose focus, and kill the ego inside me.  To dare to just question.  Asking simple questions and learning something with a blank mind.  To create my own qualities, and design my own standards.  To stand up for myself, and make a positive surrounding.  To never let others know what I am planning to achieve, and to ask the right people for help.    We were given a brain for a reason.  We need to always challenge ourselves.  What good is it to stay in our comfort zone, when we get nothing out of it.  Nothing but temporary pleasure.  

We want something, we work hard to get it.  We earn it.  

"And seek help in patience and prayer." -Al-baqara-45

This is Tani.  An American-Bangali Swede, who started completely from scratch.  I got many words of discouragement, moving to another country from the USA.  Stupidity, they called it.  Leaving everything behind, leaving all privileges behind in the land of opportunity.  But here I am, still walking, still breathing, laughing and talking with my Swedish colleagues about how funny life can be.   How the same people encourage me, and call me intelligent now, and say what a safe and honourable country I live in.  How funny life can be.  

My 2nd job in Sweden! Yay!

August 15, 2017

I am so happy to tell you that I got the perfect extra job with the most flexible schedule and the coolest boss.  I will be working with toddlers for only a couple of hours a week as their caregiver.  I am so excited to meet the kids I will be taking care of!  I can't believe I finally succeeded an interview so smoothly with everything working out!  I am juiced up with energy! 

Is this it? My last month to relax?

August 13, 2017

Update...

So my PostNord job ends this month ...i will be working the entire month and guess what...I got an interview time on Aug 15th for the preschool kids job. Let's see how that goes.

Here is what makes August 2017 significant. August is the month of my mother's birthday, 31st, and this is the same day I end work at the post office.  I don't know, it's this strange feeling I have.  You know that feeling you get when you do something or see something for the very last time?  And it is just extremely meaningful...in the most unexplainable way possible?  That is how I feel now.  I learned so much working part-time at the post office.  I met different people, and obtained some wisdom.  The 16th is my parents' anniversary and the 15th is my job interview. 

This is the last month of my life in which I will have enough free time to fix my routine and even slack off. It's my month to relax and plan. My time to look through the telescope to see my shining future. My month to change my lifestyle and appreciate the things I have. My month to spend enough time with my family, especially my children.

Tick tock tick.

The Struggles of a Bangladeshi-American Swede Mother

July 28, 2017

The title of this post explains it all.  I am at one of the hardest times of my life.  I don't regret that many things I have done in Sweden because each action made me stronger and helped me discover a new side of me.  Who knew I had so many sides.  And roles.  Oh boy, don't get me started with roles.  Mother of two munchkins? Check. Wife? Check. Daughter-in-law?  My in-laws live near, so, check.  Student? Check.  Unemployed? BIG FAT BOLD CHECK.

An update of my life..here goes...

Let me start with a story.  A story from long back when I was a university student back home in the U.S. and I was young and stupid.  A 22 year old seeking the purpose of life.

I was once 22, and I had met a guy.  He had just gotten his bachelors in finance or something and he would message me every single day around the same time.  He was a very good looking guy with great intellect, but he had a weakness.  His english grammar was not the best.  So what was my purpose of meeting this guy can you guess?  The boy used me.  He bugged me every night to correct his resume and cover letter.  He was out searching for jobs and he always wrote different kinds of cover letters with countless errors in english.  I didn't mind correcting it.  It was a piece of cake for me...correcting an english cover letter for some job.  I never really did it seriously.  However, every time I got done editing and correcting his papers, he would be so relieved and happy.  He really depended on me to correct his cover letters.  I thought it was ridiculous that he continued to bug me about this for weeks.  I stopped replying to his emails and that was the end of correcting papers for free.  I wonder what he does now.  He is probably CEO of some firm in the US.

That was the story of the Indian guy who was struggling to get a job in the US.

Now here is the story of myself, struggling to succeed in Sweden.

I know I will succeed... in fact, maybe I already am I just don't know it yet.  I am halfway up that mountain.  I got into a good educational program and by 2019 January I will have knowledge and experience about software developing and finally get a job.

My school starts on September and no I still haven't gotten any schedule for my classes.  I also need a part-time job.  I have realised, that my mind works best when I am under pressure.  Pressure pushes me to succeed.  If I am too relaxed, I somehow become lazy and sometimes even fail.  So my job search is still going on and the worst part is I lost count on how many jobs I applied to.  No no, the worst part of all is that most good jobs are offered as full time and I will never be able to devote my full time to a work place when I am going to be a full time student as well.  I feel like crying when I think about that one special full time job I had received in my doorstep, which I had denied, due to my full time class schedule.  Life is full of obstacles.  I reassure my mind saying that I chose education over fast-money.  That one day, it will pay off.  Eventually I will be getting paid way more once I am done with school so why not have patience, right?

I have become a company stalker.  I read about several companies and I wait for a response.  So far, I have gotten responses like, we are still working on who to choose, or, it is vacation time so replying will take time.  Is that auto-response? Oh god, not even a real person replying.

I need a job.
I need to finish school.
I need sleep.

My kids are spending half the day with my husband and the rest of the day with me. I struggle keeping up with food routines with my kids.  Especially when they get sick.  I am trying very hard to give them enough time as a mother.  I don't know if I am really doing it though.  I am exhausted, guilty, frustrated, stressed, nervous, but also curious, at times optimistic (thanks to my father's blood), and kind (thanks to mom, i love you mom).  I hardly can spend time with my husband but he understands that.  He is the best father I have seen in this world seriously.

  

Dear Husband, thanks for always being there

July 25, 2017

It is no more the middle of summer and i have mixed emotions. It's 2017 and we are at the end of July. Should i be excited about my new education for September? Should i be disappointed that I didn't get my CSN money? Or that I still haven't gotten a job for the year? Or that I will be ending my post office job soon by August.  Or that I got my first, and so far, only paycheck for the year? Life is progressive but with lots of patience. Lots of obstacles.  

My kids got the chicken pox this summer and my son is growing up.  He is potty trained which means he is the occasional bedwetter. Seeing poop and vomit is an ordinary thing now.  My body aches from work and lack of sleep.  I stress with job searching and interviews. I struggle.  I do however feel blessed to have such a supportive husband.  Thanks to him i am able to make my own life choices and continue achieving success.  He took off from work to help me take care of the kids.  Thanks to him, my son is potty trained and both of our children have great food habits with an awesome routine.  My husband deserves the father of the year award. 

Did i mention he has been my mentor? He is guiding me for my future career. 

I entered IT and I am still Alive!

June 23, 2017:

I am back with more updates! First let me say that i am still sticking to the IT world! Hurrah! I have found my new field and i don't plan on fleeing this time.

So after that pre-programming course i took my first ever programming course and I was introduced to Java. The course was hardcore with lots of information to take in. One thing I have learned about Programming is first the hard stuff, then the good easy life.  So i am just learning everything which puts me in the hardest part of this subject....being familiar with IT terminology. So i took programming 1 and totally survived it! Then came programming 2 and it is kicking my butt! How? Well,  I'll start off by saying i have no book. It's based on a completely new language that i have never been formally introduced to ..C # ....and i was spending time with mom and dad back in the US for one month.  I am finally back to Stockholm and cramming for my programming 2 final.

Oh i am also working day shifts at the post office. Very tiring but at least I am getting paid. That's my summer job which means i still need a permanent job.

Oh let's write the most important part of all. I had applied for software developer school earlier this year and the selection process was nerve-wrecking. It was like applying for a career. Showing grades, cv,tests and interviews. But one thing i am satisfied about is this was the only school that asked for my original university grades. Finally a place where i can tell people i went to a good school and got educated even though i didn't finish it.  It breaks me every time I think about my incompletion. My parent's hard work's income went into paying my tuition fees.  And finally those university papers are showing some worth in this country.

So i prayed and prayed for a way to have a career very soon and this might be the answer....i got the acceptance letter yesterday! Congrats to me!!! (Since nobody knows hehe).

Ok i am going back to finish my c# project. Here is Tani, the amateur programming student saying byebye for now!

The Dilemma

July 2017:

I am having a very hard time with my life... i am at a point in my life where achievements have begun But I am suffering through some kind of acute depression.

I Finally finished programming 2. I am still working at the post Office and i even made friends, all of which are coincidentally becoming engineers of some sort.

Today was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. At this time of my life, if it was 2 years ago, I would have worked for free if I had to, just to get some experience.  But i went through a telepromter interview with the boss of an amazing international company and he told me i had gotten the job.  It was a full time job with perfect schedule Monday through Friday... a permanent job..impressive salary with benefits. But i turned It down.... because It will counterfeit with my school schedule.

I guess i need to be patient. One more year... and i Might have some possibility in working in the IT branch instead of a receptionist.

Patience is virtue....

My first glance at programming

March 2017:

Giving you an update. Nearly 3 weeks have passed and I have completed my first ever programming course. Well, it was more like a pre-programming course. Whatever you may call it, it was great stuff.  I loved lt! Why did I never study this before? My stubborn butt always chose science over maths and technology, and I don't even know why.

So my husband helped me out a lot.  He is the reason I am able to take a distance course.  He would have made a horrible teacher, but I am seeing that he is a great computer engineer. So he does help.

Yesterday i was counting down literally saying tick tock tick until the registration time for Autumn opened. I immediately applied to KTH. It won't hurt to apply right? I applied for an engineering program.  I know not many people get in but it's worth a shot. Meanwhile i will be applying for my distance program in software programmer Or tester. Anything to do with IT.

So i still didn't get a job. Whichever one i apply for gives me a reply back saying the place has been TAKEN. Bummed out. So It looks like i will be working at the postoffice again for the summer..and eventually meet more interesting characters. Hopefully I won't slam my finger through the machine again. 

Well at least my first programming course was successfully done.

Cheers.

The Secret

February 2017:

So i have to share my thoughts with somebody who has neither a mouth nor a mind.  I will only publish these posts if I succeed with my plan.  As of now this plan of mine is top secret and sounds very shocking and quite impossible but That's only what they all think. My husband is encouraging me to go on with the plan but most times he thinks I am joking around. My parents believe in me. They always have. Incredible people. By now, I wouldn't even believe in me. The promise-breaker who never finishes what she starts. So day 1 of my journey begins as a new and improved Tani.

My plan:

Taking the deepest life changer of breaths:  To change my career path.

Saying goodbye to the healthcare field, with a heavy heart.  Stepping into the mysterious world of IT.  It feels like I am on the edge of the cliff, and I have just stepped on the thread of technology.  A thin thread, that goes across another mountain.  Distinctively far, but not impossible to reach.  I must be out of my mind.