The Story of Tani...(in short)

Once upon a time, in a stormy day in the flooded capital city of Bangladesh, a girl was born.  Her name was Tanjina.

The seasons passed and baby Tanjina started crawling...talking...walking..and at 2 years of age, her mommy and daddy took her some place far far away for a better future. America.
Although she was Bangladeshi by blood, her heart always embraced the USA as her real home.  She was the sweet quiet little girl down south who loved to draw and dance.

The older she grew the more she wondered what her purpose in life was.  Many career days in school had passed and finally one afternoon, she figured out her future.  All thanks to a chubby cute little lady who came as a guest speaker in Tanjina's 8th grade classroom.  "Every time I do it, I fall in love with my job again. Because you see the miracle in front of you."  That was all that lady had to say.

High school, you know gow overrated it can be.  The course overload, homework over the long weekends, summer vacation even, homecoming drama, football, SATs, college applicarions, provacative appearances, those popular crowds....oh the distractions....they just made boring Tanjina overwhelmed.  She was ready to get out of that chaos and start her life all over again.  She was going to represent her true personality in college, with her dreams of becoming a doctor.

Yes, you heard right. Her friends were going to be doctors.  She apparently loved biology.  So why not give it a shot?

Tanjina shot...and missed...shot again, and missed...started losing hope...even changed majors last minute to business, and missed big time.  She discovered how much she despised business.  She went back to her comfort courses in science...still confused as hell about her career when all of a sudden, prince charming knocked on her door....and she opened it...and yes he did come from far far away...and so they got married and lived happily....in Sweden. Score.

Except for the times when she thought about her dream of doing something for people...working...getting paid and finally making her dreams come true.  She felt lonely...missed hee family and friends...missed home...even missed Bangladesh, her other home.  She struggled learning swedish.  She started having identity crisis. It was high school all over again, she thought.  All those years ahe transformed from a quiet shy little nerd to a smart outgoing ok looking girl was for nothing.  She was back to being short, quiet, shy, stupid....and confused.  She experienced something new, in this new life of hers.  She experienced failure.  Lots of differenr kinds.  No matter how she failed, however, her husband was always by her side, encouraging her.

This gave her strength and shefinally fueled up for change.  That was when the words in her head were clear..."Because you see the miracle in front of you.."  Tanjina was going to become a mother.  She went through a tough pregnancy her first trimester and experienced her stay in the lonely hospital bed for several nights.  All she could do was watch disney songs and think of her little miracle.  "Get yourself together Tani.  You have to stand by yourself...nobody else does that for you" she told herself.

Tanjina finally admited all she ever wanted to do was give birth to babies.  She wanted to be a midwife.  She was ready to start even with a baby bump.
She was not going to give up!

2013 May, her baby boy was born and all she could think of was the magical moment when a baby comes into this world.  Amazing.  That is how we all came here.  Just amazing.

Tanjina will try her very best to become a wonderful midwife...she is almost there....

To be continued...

Who's the FOB now?

When i was younger, I used to make fun of fobs, because my friends did it, and i thought it was cool so i turned out worse than them.  Now i think about it.  I made fun of people that were referred to as "fobs" because at the time, those kids stood out as typical desis who were only trying to adjust to their new surroundings.  People would laugh at fobs because they would have a strong accent when they talked english, and dress differently, think differently, not get jokes or the like.

Hmm, I live in Sweden now.  A place where desis seldom mention the word FOB.  When i speak this country's native language i can only imagine how big of an idiot i sound like.  When i dress like an awfully ordinary girl while the rest look their best I wonder if i stand out as an "immigrant".   When swedish conversations go on I have so much to say but don't have that many ways to express it with the limited boring words i know.  So now I'm the quiet girl once again...little ms. quiet munni all over again.  Wonderful.

Us desis, especially in the states, make fun of other desis' broken english.  Try coming here, and try speaking your broken swedish.  You will wonder why you ever laughed about so called "FOBS" that are probably or will probably be better off than any of us in the long-run. 

I first heard the word FOB when i was around 11.  I lived in Norcross, GA then.  All the white people started to move away up north and a lot of the latinos, blacks and desis started swirming in around that time.  Every other indian, bengali, or pakistani in my school was called a FOB.  Unless they were completely brainwashed and americanized, they would be picked on. 

I got older and it started getting worse.  I heard the term ABCD (American born confused desi).  Unlike some people, I was definitely not proud to be called one.  I wasn't confused! Deep inside i really hated the whole division within desis based on whether they were citizens or immigrants.  I would think, my parents were once immigrants.  Even after several years of living in America there are times when they still feel like 2nd class citizens.  Would they be FOBs?  What about now, with me?  Living in a place I am not so familiar with makes me a FOB?

It was stupid of me to even think that way before.  And it's sad how many southasians, mostly in the US, have this mentality.  I come to Sweden and meet tons of immigrants from places all over the world.  They all have different english accents but accent at this point doesn't really matter to us because we are only trying to communicate, be it in english or swedish.  So why is it such a big deal in the US?  Why would you generalize a certain group of people without knowing the half of it?   It just shows ignorance. 

So now I'm the girl with the funny accent, and boring clothes, aggressive driving, having those blond moments while everyone around me laughs and socialize in swedish.  The "typical desi housewife" which is every girl's nightmare.  I'm the outcast.  The immigrant.  I'm fresh off the boat.   

Difficulty for a Desi Wife

Once you start a task, never ever expect it to get easier.  It took my stubborn self a very long time to admit that.  As time passes by it becomes even more challenging as a woman to handle everything around me.  Many Bengali women (as well as other nationalities) go through this stage of adjusting with their husband's family.  With comparison to many other circumstances, I am a lucky girl to be welcomed so easily into an open-minded family.  That is however not always the case for everyone. 

Desi in-laws assume that the wife of the house knows it all.  What I mean to say is, they are expected to know all the domestic work and have this ability to read people's mind, cook the right way, clean the right way, know a great deal about their mother country, culture, and so on.  That's why many parents prefer a girl form Bangladesh for their son instead of Western countries, because they assume all desi western girls are lacking many obvious things..that they're just bad girls.  Anyways, let's save that topic for another time.  The worst part of all is even if the girl knows a great deal about most things, they are still underestimated.  Why? 

Usually a girl around her early to mid 20s gets married and is brought to the man's house.  From this time on she will be closely observed by her in-laws on a 24-hour basis. 

Let's say this woman knows how to cook, because she would occasionally cook back home when there was nobody around to cook in the house or just to help her mother around.  Now she starts cooking for her in-laws and ofcourse she will not be alone.  After all, it is her fírst time cooking in her husband's house, and even though she is pretty much an expert with giving the right spices at the right time she will be strongly criticized over how wrong her quantities are, how she cuts her onions, or how her style of cooking is not the right way.  So from then on, she changes her way (indirectly, her mother's way) of cooking that she has grown up eating and learns the NEW STYLE whether she likes it or not.  Then she has to get used to the meal timings.  She would have dinner at 7 in the evening at her house, but now, her new dinner time is 11 at night, something she really needs to get used to.  She get's the "Are you crazy" and "you don't know anything" looks when she tells her new family that she thought dinner was at 7, which was why she started setting the table so early.

This whole adjusting thing goes for not only cooking but everything else.  Every little thing from waking up in the morning to going to bed.  

There is this really bad habit that many desi parents have.  I respect all responsible parents for their hardwork to raise their children and get them settled, but it is very nerve-wracking for a person to hear "What did your parents teach you?"  So you screw up on something, instead of the blame going to you it goes straight to your parents.  Which might lead to why desi parents always try to force a certain mentality into their kids just so "people won't talk".  People talk either way, that's something they still haven't grasped.  I've heard and seen many situations where a bride goes to her in-laws and after a few days of working the inlaws would give the classic line, "How can you not know how to do this? Did your parents not teach you before?  It was their duty to teach you!"  For once they do not put themselves in the same position and think about how clueless they were 30 or 20 years ago?  Then i see a new wife going back to visit her parents and so the parents say, "What did your in-laws teach you?" However nowadays a girl's parents hardly ask that..but it still goes on in many parts of Bangladesh. One of the biggest insults one can give would involve the blaming of one's parents.

Some in-laws don't give any importance on the wife's education.  So they don't allow her to go out in the real world and let her study and become successful  because they have this paranoia of her realizing one day how limited her choices are which might lead her to run away from her married life. 

Then they nag and nag about small things around the house and soon they start rotting the wife's ears about grandchildren.  I turns out that they end up controlling her entire life, and so one day, when this wife becomes a mother and then a mother-in-law herself, one of the 2 things will happen to her.  1, by the time she is a mother-in-law, she will be completely brain-washed by her in-laws and have the same beliefs and values as them, leading to her trying to teach the same exact doublestandards to her children or 2, she will have this negative effect towards desi tradition and inform her children about only the negative biased things about our culture.  Both results are bad.

There is no point picking on the wife.  Especially in this generation where in most cases the girl is well-educated which means she has knowledge of not just our culture but other cultures around the world as well, broadening the horizen. 

Dropping the weight of the world on the woman's back is not the fair way to go.  It's hard for a woman to survive in such a mixed society where there exists both extremists and libertarians. 

The worse part is the desi husbands find it a bit difficult to understand sometimes...that it takes time for a woman to get comfortable with a different lifestyle.  The wife never has intentions of hating the in-laws at first.

Much appreciation is needed for all the women who are married into a desi family.  Desi family is filled with a crap load of drama that a woman has no choice but to put up with. 

Nowadays, in-laws outside of Bangladesh are pretty easy-going.  They actually want their sons to move out and be independent to support the wife.  There are still some really traditional people in Bangladesh where they think it is mandatory for the girl to live with the entire family for life.  Why is it mandatory? The people that think it is obligatory can't even come up with a logical reason.

Desis and their Expected Body Type

When my mom first got married, she was quite young, 18, the average age when most bengali girls got married in the 80s.  She was a beautiful woman and i wish i had those same characteristics of her's that she carried. She was 5'5 and slim.  Slim. 

Twenty years ago, most bengali women hated slim.  They never used skinny in a positive sense.  Instead of complimenting, people would just think she starved herself, resulting of her having no meat. 

When she was pregnant with me, she obviously had to gain weight.  However, right after she had me, at the age of 19, her tummy went back to normal.  Flat and plane.  She went back to her normal skinny self and oh how people despised that.  My mother got critisized day and night for the way she looked.  The look that every women tried to have in the western countries. 

When i turned 2, we left Dhaka and moved to the states.  When mom started working, she got a whole different outlook out of the people there.  The Americans would say, "you are so lucky to be so fit even after having a child!"  All her married life she kept hearing how ugly she was for her "boney-ness" and now it was all upside down.

Bengalis hate skinny.  I my mother was not exposed to all the different perspectives people have on looks, she would have eventually thought the same - that skinny=ugly. 

Sometimes even now in parties, she would get the classic bengali line "bhabi, you got even skinnier.  Is your health ok?"   It's fine if a close friend says, because that means she honestly cares about her, but this comes from random people.

I've also heard, in the same parties, critisizm of women with a little extra.  Except that one is said behind the back.  "Have you seen her size? She can't even move with her fat!"
I don't think it matters how a person's body shape is.  There are better things to do than critisize a person's body the entire time.  Seriously, there are so many different kinds of people in this world.  There is no same ideal woman.  Everybody has a different picture of how a beautiful woman should be.

Now comes my story.

My whole entire life, I have recieved 80% negative critisizm of my body, the other 15% never really said anything (because they find it least important to discuss), and the remaining 5% compliments came from my family members, closest friends, and strangers.  Yes, i actually thought about all of the percentages and they are nearly accurate.

So much pressure.
I had very low self-esteem from all the judgements i got.  So there were times when i ate so much, but i never gained a single pound.  Not until i hit 23.  After getting married, the pounds (kgs) started to add on.  I was happy at first, until I realized i needed a completely new wardrobe.

Now i get people warning me about gaining weight.  They say i better watch out.

People in Sweden are so thin, that suddenly i am having trouble fitting in.

When i go to Bangladesh, everyone will tell me how i shouldn't gain anymore weight because it will make me look fat in comparison to my height.  What the hell.  I thought they liked "healthy" people. 

I will go insane one day from thinking of what the ideal body type is in this world.  So it's better for women to just be comfortable with the way they are.  Beauty comes in different shapes and sizes.

We should all think of the big picture of life instead of thin waist, big ass, large breasts, and perfect face.

 One day, we will all become old with our wrinkly skin sagging and eyes getting smaller, height getting shorter, bones rotting... body will always change.  What will remain the same is our soul.

What I first noticed when i moved to Sweden

There was once Beauty of Simplicity. . .

Which has now been lost, unfortunately.  I see young pretty girls here who go a little over the top with makeup. (Just a little).  Something which goes around everywhere nowadays.  From the teenagers to the young women in their mid 20s. 

I see many young girls wearing so much makeup as if they were ready to go clubbing, or do some kind of beauty contest, but in reality they are on their way to school or work.  I see this during the DAY time, so lets not even talk about saturday evenings.  Whatever happened to the thought, "Beauty is imperfection".  Guess nowadays it's meaningless.

Instead of hiding your true look with makeup, emphasize the best parts of your face with just a little makeup.  Not so hard.    I see loads of fake eyelashes and  mascara and thick foundation.  Too much.

This is also something i got from several guys who moved to Sweden. "Girls here wear way too much makeup."  I agree.  I think they look so nice the way they are, it's absolutely unneccassary for them to do all that to their face.  It looks very FAKE.  Nowhere near attractive.

Lacking enthusiasm.  I say "hey!" and they say "hej":

This will take me some time getting used to.  How to say "hej" the right way.  It is almost pronounced the same way as the english hey but there is a difference in the tone. 

When a swed says "hej" to you, they are very subtle.  When I say "hej", i sound way too lively, i would sound normal in the US, because that's how normal people there greet eachother, but here, theres something missing.  Not just in greeting, but everything in general.  Sweds do not express themselves so much, i guess they do if they are really close with you, but that's it.  They seem like introverts.  Which is not a bad thing at all.

They don't really get excited.  I have hardly seen a swed laugh.  The way they react is a bit different to how an American or a Bengali would act.  Very dull, introverted, quiet and reserved people who usually open up more on saturday nights.

The only time i find it lively and loud is on weekend nights when sweds show their outgoing, energetic side.

Costumer Service - nothing like the US:

America is all about excellent costumer service.  It's about offering as much service and information as you can for the costumer to be comfortable with what they are paying for.  After being to many different types of stores and warehouses here, I've realized that I don't always feel 100% confident about a product i am confused about even after I am given service.

It's like i ask a question and i get a yes or no answer in return with no explanation or alternatives. 

There was an incident when I went to the Apotek (Pharmacy) and asked the Pharamacist for a hand cream.  This is how it went:

Me:  Excuse me, can you help me?

Pharmacist:  Yes.

Me:  I was looking for a hand cream made for extremely dry skin.  By any chance is their a cream that would heal both my dryness and discoloration of my hands from the dishwashing detergent i use?

Pharmacist: (staring at me with confusion)  No we don't have bleaching creams.  We only sell regular hand creams.

We both just stood there for a few seconds.  I thought she would say more, but she only nodded and smiled.  It was very akward.  I felt like asking a stupid question would be pointless.  So i left cream-less.

On the bright side, I think salepeople on the electronics and technology area are more helpful and informative.  Media Markt located in Kungens Kurva,  for example, has very good costumer service.  I got my awesom straightner, new samsung tv, and ps3 from there.


No free bathrooms:

Unless you are in some fancy restaurant, if you gotta go, make sure you have your 5 crowns of change with you or else you won't be able to open that door. 

First time i found out about this was early August in 2009 when i came to visit Stockholm for the first time in my life.  We were all walking and all of a sudden i got really sick to the stomach.  It was hard finding a public restroom since we were in the middle of the city.  Boy, that  is a day to remember.  I will save that for another time.

Your personummer is how you start EVERYTHING:

The first question you will be asked when you are about to start something, apply somewhere, make an appointment, go to the doctor, make a bank account, get involved  anywhere, pretty anything, you need to give them your personummer.  A 10 digit number which is your identity.  Basically, in American terms, your social security number. 

You tell them just those 10 numbers and boom!  All your information pops out and you are no longer a stranger to the representative. 

The day i got my personummer from the skatteverket, i felt like a real swedish resident.

It's nice to live in a well-organized, safe, systematic, calm country that consists of only 9 million people.

The question some men ask me in sweden

I had been studying Swedish for about 11 months now and i have met plenty of immigrants from all around the world. Among them are many Bangladeshis as well.



According to most bengalis, having an American passport means you will never leave America, the "land of opportunity", for any other country in the world. Rather it should be the other way around.

So in my case, most bengalis who especially have relatives living in the U.S.A. question me with a dumbstrucken face as to why I chose to leave my home to live in Europe.

My decision of settling with my husband in Sweden was one of the biggest controversial topics in Georgia. Everybody thought i was crazy and they still probably do, because if they were in my place they would most definitely either make their husband come to the states or break the relationship. IF they were in my place. IF statements are bogus statements. Stepping into reality puts you in a whole different level. So we need to get out of this IF fantasy world now.

When meet a new classmate who is a male from either the middle east or asia, they ask me first, where i come from. The conversation goes a little something like this:

Stranger: Where are you from?

Me: Bangladesh.

Stranger: Really? You don't look at all like it.

Stranger: You speak good english.

Me: THank you, I grew up in the states.

Stranger: Oh really? Then why did you move here?

Me: My husband lives here. I got married and then moved up here.

Stranger: Oh! You are married?
(Then there is this akward silence, leading to a very weird question)
Stranger: Did you move here by choice ? It would be so easy for you to succeed in your home. Are you happy here?

I feel that it is a rather personal question but I get asked this occasionally. I think it's such a sensitive time to answer. Ofcourse i feel homesick. If i keep thinking about the opportunities i have lost by leaving America, leaving my family and loved ones, my life, how can i concentrate on learning Swedish? It disturbs me.

My SAS grund teacher gave us this excellent advice of being "nutänkande". In other words, concentrate on what you are doing NOW and worry about nothing else. Don't overthink about the future. If you think far off on how to be a swedish pharmacist, and look at yourself now, as a SAS grund level student trying to be a pharmacist, you will obviously think it is all impossible. So just go with the flow and focus on the current goal you have put up for yourself.

Despite all the great advices i get, i still have to put up with some really nosey men who keep asking me the same question every day. I respect everybodys opinion, but sometimes keep asking me one annoying thing over and over again really affects me.

I end up thinking why i really moved to Sweden.

Moving to sweden was absolutely my own choice and nobody forced me. Some people need to get that misconception out oftheir head, that I had no choice but to come to sweden.

Besides, I am loving the atmosphere here. There are many things that i find wonderful about this country. Every land has it's good and bad sides. Honestly, i think Stockholm holds more good qualities than any other country in the world. The citizens here are very happy and healthy. They are "nöjd". And considering i am a woman, i am even more satisfied. This country is the best place for especially women to live in.

How the long annoying conversation ended with one of the men:

Stranger: I still don't get why youleft such a big country like America and moved to Sweden. It's harder to succeed here.

Me: I want to be positive about whatever I do in my life. So to me, it really doesn't matter where I live. Living in Stockholm feels a lot like living in Georgia.

Stranger: I didn't mean to say you should take it negatively....ok. I guess it's all up to you how you want to lead your life.

Me: Yeah, I guess so.

Expectations of a Desi (Bengali) Bride

Being married to the oldest son of the household in a Bangladeshi traditional family put me in a lot of mental stress in the beginning of my newly married life as the oldest "bhabi".

I sat patiently in the floral seat in my heavy wedding dress with excessive gold jewelry and makeup in front of all the unfamiliar guests that stared at me and probably asked about what kind of girl i really was. What was my full name? Where did i come from? Have i completed my studies? If i was really fair or was the white heavy makeup hiding my dark skin? What did my parents do for a living? The questions floated around the banquet as I struggled to follow the photographer's direction in the extremely hot bright camera light that was shot out towards my face as to how i should tilt my head or how wide i should smile, as if i was a moving mannequin.

As my distant relatives came one by one to greet me and talk to me for a few moments they gave me random advice about the Do's and Dont's of a bride. It all made me confused and nervous.

Do's: "keep your ears open at all times. Keep track of what goes around you and what every family member is up to. Everyone expects YOU, as the "boro bou" (basically first wife) to know everything."

Don'ts: "Listen to your elders. Do not try to correct them. Do NOT talk back to anybody."

(on my mind, I was thinking, "Isn't being myself enough?" since it was a LOVE marriage.)

So after the the endless fancy wedding ceremonies that made both sides of the family have empty pockets, it was time for me to meet my husband's huge family in Comilla, Bangladesh. A place in Bangladesh that i have never been to before. It was quite calming compared to the busy and noisy city of Dhaka. Fewer people, better air, and more cows.

After the 6 hour long bumpy journey, we finally arrive at the Comilla house where the entire groom's side was waiting. I was almost car sick, had a killer headache from the lack of sleep and stress from the night before. I somehow managed to wear my heavy wedding saree all by myself for the first time ever in less than 3 minutes and jumped in the car for the journey. Didn't have time to do my hair or put exccessive makeup, just some natural colored lipstick and eyeliner.

When i stepped out of the car, instead of welcomed greetings i suddenly saw frowns and a load of disappointment on each relative's face. I was terrified, because i knew their face transformed from excitement to shame by just looking at me, the new bride.

The aunt came and stared at me pecularly saying, "My God, her hair is a mess!"

On the other side, i had noticed 2 professional bengali cameramen taping us getting out of the car. "great" i thought. " I look ugly, AND i am being taped." I just wanted to shoot myself.

I wanted to justify the reason for my current condition. That i didn't know i had to sit in the parlor for 4hours AGAIN in the morning just to impress the entire small village. That i had a headache and was probably on the way to having a very nasty cold. That i had no sleep and i just wanted to rest, and be with my husband.

I remembered one of my relatives telling me NOT to talk back especially to your elders. It will leave a bad impression. So i stayed quiet.

If only i knew that i needed artificial makeup and a fancy hairdo even after the wedding.

Luckily everybody in the house calmed down after the entire traditional welcoming was over. Throwing flowers at the door, cutting the ribbon to our new house, feeding sweets and lemonade, and videosessions of us in the flowery wedding bed. Those things i actually liked.

All formalities were done. And so the next expectation came across. I was asked several times by my father-in-law, "Where are your gold bengals? Where is your wrist watch? A bride should always have jewelry on her." Something i was never used to wearing. I loved the simple style. Gold and i did not go well.

I had to be girly girly i guess. I realized that the women around me were better dressed than i was. They put on their heaviest gold sets, sequenting outfits, and so on.

I got this one from the women, "You need to eat more honey, look at you, you are like a stick."

Traditional bengalis really despise slim girls.

I've realized I had to try to look better for my new relatives and in-laws.. Apparently it was much harder to impress them than my husband. My husband loved me the way i was. But i needed to look nice for the others as well, for the time being, or else i will explode of taking in so much critisizm.

Besides, i was always a girl who never really got much criticism before. I was the only child who everybody loved. So it was a bit different for me.

Then came the introduction of the elders. Everytime i met respected elders in the family i had to touch their feet for blessings. It's another well-known tradition that must be done. One time after meeting them, another time before saying goodbye.

Despite all that, the entire family was terribly nice to me. They never let me do a single thing. They kept saying, "No sit sit, you are the 'bou', you can't do any work. Relax and be with your husband."

Oh one thing i forgot to mention. I had to wear traditional clothes. Pants were absolutely forbidden.

There was obviously always a choice. I had freedom. But it was better to stay on the traditonal side or else i would get the bad impression.. that i am an american-bengali girl whos parents had forgotten to teach their daughter about bengali tradition.

Believe me, there are much valuable things about tradition i know. I count these as trivial things. But to those Bangladeshi elders, this was a very very big thing.