Who am I? A mother, an engineer, a leader, a dreamer. I am Tani

I still remember the day when I got laughed at when I said, "Maybe I should look into IT".  As if I was being underestimated for being a nursing student, or maybe because I was a girl.  I really don't know why.  But it hit me hard.  So hard, that next month, I decided to learn how to code.

And, Hello World!

No, I won't forget the struggles.  I will never forget the loss, the failures.  I have faced cold tides, yet here I stand.  Just like the vague stretch marks that still remain after years of mothering, scars and bruises remain, carving my mind, gifting me wisdom in return.  Here I stand, while the world keeps turning, showing it's true colors, one worse than the other.  Here i stand alone.  Alone but strong.   Nothing can break me now.  Nothing at all.   

I am so blessed.  Despite all that I have been through while searching for the real ME,  it feels good to achieve something all by myself.  The final product.  What I have learned from this amazing journey of finding myself in a place called Sweden, is that the goals that I was after were initially achieved in the hardest way. 

I was aiming for completing my education, getting a good career, being appreciated, getting respect, becoming a good mother.  Quality living.  I was running after all this, but took the wrong way.  The long way.

I never knew before, that all I needed was confidence, strong discipline, faith, and patience.  Being persistent with whatever I do.  To not lose focus, and kill the ego inside me.  To dare to just question.  Asking simple questions and learning something with a blank mind.  To create my own qualities, and design my own standards.  To stand up for myself, and make a positive surrounding.  To never let others know what I am planning to achieve, and to ask the right people for help.    We were given a brain for a reason.  We need to always challenge ourselves.  What good is it to stay in our comfort zone, when we get nothing out of it.  Nothing but temporary pleasure.  

We want something, we work hard to get it.  We earn it.  

"And seek help in patience and prayer." -Al-baqara-45

This is Tani.  An American-Bangali Swede, who started completely from scratch.  I got many words of discouragement, moving to another country from the USA.  Stupidity, they called it.  Leaving everything behind, leaving all privileges behind in the land of opportunity.  But here I am, still walking, still breathing, laughing and talking with my Swedish colleagues about how funny life can be.   How the same people encourage me, and call me intelligent now, and say what a safe and honourable country I live in.  How funny life can be.  

My 2nd job in Sweden! Yay!

August 15, 2017

I am so happy to tell you that I got the perfect extra job with the most flexible schedule and the coolest boss.  I will be working with toddlers for only a couple of hours a week as their caregiver.  I am so excited to meet the kids I will be taking care of!  I can't believe I finally succeeded an interview so smoothly with everything working out!  I am juiced up with energy! 

Is this it? My last month to relax?

August 13, 2017

Update...

So my PostNord job ends this month ...i will be working the entire month and guess what...I got an interview time on Aug 15th for the preschool kids job. Let's see how that goes.

Here is what makes August 2017 significant. August is the month of my mother's birthday, 31st, and this is the same day I end work at the post office.  I don't know, it's this strange feeling I have.  You know that feeling you get when you do something or see something for the very last time?  And it is just extremely meaningful...in the most unexplainable way possible?  That is how I feel now.  I learned so much working part-time at the post office.  I met different people, and obtained some wisdom.  The 16th is my parents' anniversary and the 15th is my job interview. 

This is the last month of my life in which I will have enough free time to fix my routine and even slack off. It's my month to relax and plan. My time to look through the telescope to see my shining future. My month to change my lifestyle and appreciate the things I have. My month to spend enough time with my family, especially my children.

Tick tock tick.

The Struggles of a Bangladeshi-American Swede Mother

July 28, 2017

The title of this post explains it all.  I am at one of the hardest times of my life.  I don't regret that many things I have done in Sweden because each action made me stronger and helped me discover a new side of me.  Who knew I had so many sides.  And roles.  Oh boy, don't get me started with roles.  Mother of two munchkins? Check. Wife? Check. Daughter-in-law?  My in-laws live near, so, check.  Student? Check.  Unemployed? BIG FAT BOLD CHECK.

An update of my life..here goes...

Let me start with a story.  A story from long back when I was a university student back home in the U.S. and I was young and stupid.  A 22 year old seeking the purpose of life.

I was once 22, and I had met a guy.  He had just gotten his bachelors in finance or something and he would message me every single day around the same time.  He was a very good looking guy with great intellect, but he had a weakness.  His english grammar was not the best.  So what was my purpose of meeting this guy can you guess?  The boy used me.  He bugged me every night to correct his resume and cover letter.  He was out searching for jobs and he always wrote different kinds of cover letters with countless errors in english.  I didn't mind correcting it.  It was a piece of cake for me...correcting an english cover letter for some job.  I never really did it seriously.  However, every time I got done editing and correcting his papers, he would be so relieved and happy.  He really depended on me to correct his cover letters.  I thought it was ridiculous that he continued to bug me about this for weeks.  I stopped replying to his emails and that was the end of correcting papers for free.  I wonder what he does now.  He is probably CEO of some firm in the US.

That was the story of the Indian guy who was struggling to get a job in the US.

Now here is the story of myself, struggling to succeed in Sweden.

I know I will succeed... in fact, maybe I already am I just don't know it yet.  I am halfway up that mountain.  I got into a good educational program and by 2019 January I will have knowledge and experience about software developing and finally get a job.

My school starts on September and no I still haven't gotten any schedule for my classes.  I also need a part-time job.  I have realised, that my mind works best when I am under pressure.  Pressure pushes me to succeed.  If I am too relaxed, I somehow become lazy and sometimes even fail.  So my job search is still going on and the worst part is I lost count on how many jobs I applied to.  No no, the worst part of all is that most good jobs are offered as full time and I will never be able to devote my full time to a work place when I am going to be a full time student as well.  I feel like crying when I think about that one special full time job I had received in my doorstep, which I had denied, due to my full time class schedule.  Life is full of obstacles.  I reassure my mind saying that I chose education over fast-money.  That one day, it will pay off.  Eventually I will be getting paid way more once I am done with school so why not have patience, right?

I have become a company stalker.  I read about several companies and I wait for a response.  So far, I have gotten responses like, we are still working on who to choose, or, it is vacation time so replying will take time.  Is that auto-response? Oh god, not even a real person replying.

I need a job.
I need to finish school.
I need sleep.

My kids are spending half the day with my husband and the rest of the day with me. I struggle keeping up with food routines with my kids.  Especially when they get sick.  I am trying very hard to give them enough time as a mother.  I don't know if I am really doing it though.  I am exhausted, guilty, frustrated, stressed, nervous, but also curious, at times optimistic (thanks to my father's blood), and kind (thanks to mom, i love you mom).  I hardly can spend time with my husband but he understands that.  He is the best father I have seen in this world seriously.

  

Dear Husband, thanks for always being there

July 25, 2017

It is no more the middle of summer and i have mixed emotions. It's 2017 and we are at the end of July. Should i be excited about my new education for September? Should i be disappointed that I didn't get my CSN money? Or that I still haven't gotten a job for the year? Or that I will be ending my post office job soon by August.  Or that I got my first, and so far, only paycheck for the year? Life is progressive but with lots of patience. Lots of obstacles.  

My kids got the chicken pox this summer and my son is growing up.  He is potty trained which means he is the occasional bedwetter. Seeing poop and vomit is an ordinary thing now.  My body aches from work and lack of sleep.  I stress with job searching and interviews. I struggle.  I do however feel blessed to have such a supportive husband.  Thanks to him i am able to make my own life choices and continue achieving success.  He took off from work to help me take care of the kids.  Thanks to him, my son is potty trained and both of our children have great food habits with an awesome routine.  My husband deserves the father of the year award. 

Did i mention he has been my mentor? He is guiding me for my future career. 

I entered IT and I am still Alive!

June 23, 2017:

I am back with more updates! First let me say that i am still sticking to the IT world! Hurrah! I have found my new field and i don't plan on fleeing this time.

So after that pre-programming course i took my first ever programming course and I was introduced to Java. The course was hardcore with lots of information to take in. One thing I have learned about Programming is first the hard stuff, then the good easy life.  So i am just learning everything which puts me in the hardest part of this subject....being familiar with IT terminology. So i took programming 1 and totally survived it! Then came programming 2 and it is kicking my butt! How? Well,  I'll start off by saying i have no book. It's based on a completely new language that i have never been formally introduced to ..C # ....and i was spending time with mom and dad back in the US for one month.  I am finally back to Stockholm and cramming for my programming 2 final.

Oh i am also working day shifts at the post office. Very tiring but at least I am getting paid. That's my summer job which means i still need a permanent job.

Oh let's write the most important part of all. I had applied for software developer school earlier this year and the selection process was nerve-wrecking. It was like applying for a career. Showing grades, cv,tests and interviews. But one thing i am satisfied about is this was the only school that asked for my original university grades. Finally a place where i can tell people i went to a good school and got educated even though i didn't finish it.  It breaks me every time I think about my incompletion. My parent's hard work's income went into paying my tuition fees.  And finally those university papers are showing some worth in this country.

So i prayed and prayed for a way to have a career very soon and this might be the answer....i got the acceptance letter yesterday! Congrats to me!!! (Since nobody knows hehe).

Ok i am going back to finish my c# project. Here is Tani, the amateur programming student saying byebye for now!

The Dilemma

July 2017:

I am having a very hard time with my life... i am at a point in my life where achievements have begun But I am suffering through some kind of acute depression.

I Finally finished programming 2. I am still working at the post Office and i even made friends, all of which are coincidentally becoming engineers of some sort.

Today was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. At this time of my life, if it was 2 years ago, I would have worked for free if I had to, just to get some experience.  But i went through a telepromter interview with the boss of an amazing international company and he told me i had gotten the job.  It was a full time job with perfect schedule Monday through Friday... a permanent job..impressive salary with benefits. But i turned It down.... because It will counterfeit with my school schedule.

I guess i need to be patient. One more year... and i Might have some possibility in working in the IT branch instead of a receptionist.

Patience is virtue....

My first glance at programming

March 2017:

Giving you an update. Nearly 3 weeks have passed and I have completed my first ever programming course. Well, it was more like a pre-programming course. Whatever you may call it, it was great stuff.  I loved lt! Why did I never study this before? My stubborn butt always chose science over maths and technology, and I don't even know why.

So my husband helped me out a lot.  He is the reason I am able to take a distance course.  He would have made a horrible teacher, but I am seeing that he is a great computer engineer. So he does help.

Yesterday i was counting down literally saying tick tock tick until the registration time for Autumn opened. I immediately applied to KTH. It won't hurt to apply right? I applied for an engineering program.  I know not many people get in but it's worth a shot. Meanwhile i will be applying for my distance program in software programmer Or tester. Anything to do with IT.

So i still didn't get a job. Whichever one i apply for gives me a reply back saying the place has been TAKEN. Bummed out. So It looks like i will be working at the postoffice again for the summer..and eventually meet more interesting characters. Hopefully I won't slam my finger through the machine again. 

Well at least my first programming course was successfully done.

Cheers.

Update on my life

Time slips away from the hands like sand.  I couldn't stress on how realistic that phrase has been for me and how this simile is taking over my life month by month. 

We tend to believe that we have total control over our lives, which is a very strong and smart way to consider your life, however, there are situations that we have absolutely no self-control over.  Let me give some examples:  Planning to have another baby, a non-swede getting a very Swedish job immediately, or perhaps getting rid of that extra blob of post-pregnancy tummy skin through healthy eating and exercise.  You cannot always assume these things will happen.  Some things must be accepted the way they are.  

These are a few of my problems that I shared with you today.  I could continue ranting but I will stop for a moment and think about the positive aspects of my life. Let me give some examples:  My son has started day-care and he is almost 2.5 years old.  He is growing up way too fast and I am starting to see his own personality coming out from that baby body that I always see and will see in him.  I am done with school.  No more studying, cramming, and stressing over assignments and exams and most importantly, passing.  I have studied the things I wanted to and had to study, I do have a very supportive husband and a wonderful son, and although I might have extra saggy skin that will never go away, I still have a healthy body that works properly.

I will be turning 30 next year.  I should obviously experience both tangible and intangible alterations.

So there is no need to fear the upcomings of my life.  I am too old to be scared.  

BIG FAT U TURN - farewell to nursing

I have to cancel almsot everything I had planned for my future career because it just won't work out. All my life I was aiming for something in the field of science, but in every step of my way something always knocked me down and that something was always a sign that this field was never for me.  Me and science were just never meant to be.  It sounds like a line from a pathetic song but this is the truth.  I just realized it so late in my life! Science and I were never meant to be!  Because you know what? If we were, I would have been making a living reasearching, or making vaccines, or just treating people.  As cool as all that sounds it just won't ever work out for me so I open my options and think about what would suit me best.  

I am a goal oriented woman and I want to always be there for my family.  I have a wonderful little family and I hope to someday make it even bigger.  If that's the case, then I have to be supermom and find a career that will give me enough income with lovely office hours so when I get done from work I get to see my lovely husband and amazing children and spend as much time with them as possible.  In 3 months that is!

Step-by-step in Sweden : 2013 update

I just wanted to remind myself about what I have planned for the future in this beautiful country, which at rare times, still seem foreign to me.  I had this simple little to-do list that I created to get myself together, but instead, it just made things worse, since I failed to do half the stuff.  I was just looking over the depressing to-do list right now.

So here was the list to survive in Sweden:

1. Get a Job - I worked during the holiday in December while I was just 4 months pregnant.  My first 4 months of pregnancy was a nightmare.  Ehh, I'm just happy I worked at the post office sorting christmas cards and frequently running to the bathroom to throw up.  It was way better than working at a restaurant.  Thank god that didn't happen!  I will be working again hopefully this December!  Can't in the summer since I will be spending lots of time with my precious little sweetheart whose supposed to be due on May 26th!  
2. Get a Profession - I plan on finishing school here, finally. I plan on being a midwife in the future and oh how challenging it has already been! And the luck that I have, the university decided very recently to convert their ENGLISH textbooks into SWEDISH books.  Doesn't that make life easier?  I find it hard to do excessive textbook-reading in swedish at times.  Just at times.  Oh, and let's not even talk about writing final papers.  
3. Get a Swedish driving license - Not until I have my baby.  I will push that off to next year.  Or maybe the end of this year.  Screw driving here.  I don't see what's so special about it here anymore.  Driving instructors just make me nervous and not make me feel like myself.  I've had pretty good experience in driving and I know pretty well that I am no where near aggressive.
4. Change my last name  - Once baby is born I guess.  

Financial situation

One thing I like about this country is that despite the high taxes and high prices for food, clothing, living, pretty much everything, it's actually hard to be poor in this country.  They will always provide you with support based on your needs.  

My long-term goal is to settle here with simplicity.  Right now, I have no income, but I hope to never have an empty bank account.  Thanks to temporary employments, and CSN money I get for education, I am not totally broke.  I have no excuse to be broke.  I should be getting "barn bidrag" once I have the baby, which is wonderful.  I find shopping for overpriced clothes and movie tickets a waste of money.  Even eating out.  I suck at being cheap though, so I limit myself from going out unless it's completely neccessary.  

I need to continue being patient, and minimize my expenses.  So it's time I start saving for those "big dreams".  Yes, it is possible to save even if you don't have income.  

Looking forward to 2013

First of all, I want to wish everybody a very happy and prosperous new year!

Last year wasn't the best year for me, but I can't complain much about it.  Although I've been through some tough times (not getting to drive in Sweden, miscarriage, not able to start school or get a job, staying in the hospital, just to name a few), I have never learned so much in my life!

I've learned to be a very patient and optimistic woman.  I've learned that one must go through disastrous events in order to grasp the true value of happiness. Even when it was about time for me to realize that I might have a hopeless dark future in this country I still had faith in God.  I prayed for patients and positivity.  I knew I had many things that I should be greatful for but I was somehow blinded by all the negativity and I kept praying for a clear bright path.  All my prayers from last year were miraculously answered.  They were all answered at the right time.  Sometimes we want things in the wrong time but we hardly think about timing when it comes to "wants".  It's all about patients!

I want to share some good news this new year.  I finally got some experience working in Sweden.  I worked some hours at the post office and loved the atmosphere.  Got paid while I sorted christmas cards and made new friends and accquaintances.  Now I can finally add on to my resume that I HAVE worked in this country.  I had also registered for nursing school for the spring semester which I have finally gotten the answer to.  My school starts in the middle of this month and it is a distance learning program which makes it so convinient for me!  Why did I choose distant-learning? One big thing I left out. My hubby and I are going to be parents! I'm 4 months pregnant!  Yes, first trimester was so horrible to me that I had to stay in the hospital several days for drops.  Yeah, it was pretty bad...I got it bad..but I made huge progress and hopefully I will get to know how the baby is doing on our ultrasound on the 14th!  So excited!  Also, we will be moving to a new place around April.  Something else to look forward to.  Oh so many changes already!  I'm both excited and nervous!

Step-by-step in Sweden: U-turn

Oh how I despise U-turns.  My passengers find it even more irritating and end up blaming me for making such a stubborn choice which caused me to make such a sharp U-turn in the first place.  The worst part is when you end up being in the same place, realizing you have been wasting your critical time going around circles. 

Looking at my previous post “Step-by-step in Sweden: Checklist”, it seems as if I am getting absolutely nowhere.  I had 4 goals listed: 1, get a job, 2, get educated in Swedish, 3, get a Swedish driver’s license, and 4 get a permanent residence permit.   Among the 4, I checked #4.  So that’s deleted off my list.  Now I will add a new #4, and I will get back to that later.  Next, I half-checked #1 and #2 because, apparently, they were “in progress.”  Let’s not forget #3.  Something that will remain unchecked for a while.  Almost two months have passed and I will tell you all about my sudden U-turn which caused #1 through #3 to be fully unchecked. 

Never got the job

I thought I got hired by Lycamobile after that super short interview I had with the quiet Sri Lankan guys.  They sure did give me the date to start working, so I thought everything was final.  What I didn’t know that they had to get this “approval” from Lycamobile’s main office, which is in London, to get me started as an employee.  Weird.  If they didn’t get the approval to let someone work as marketing assistant, why post the position on Arbetsförmedlingen and many other job search engines in the first place?  So as the time approached for me to start working I called to check up on the whole approval status.  Every time I called, I would get the same reply: “We’re sorry, we can’t really say much about your schedule before getting the approval.  We have to wait for the approval.  We will let you know as soon as we get it.”  So my last try was just emailing them saying whenever they get the approval to let me know.  They said ok.  They didn’t know “oh, we’re sorry, the position is no longer available,” instead they just left me hanging.  I got the point.  It wasn’t going to happen.  I was not going to get the job. 

Never got the course

Yea remember I had big plans for starting this 5-month long receptionist course packet?  Well I didn’t get in.  I was qualified.  I just never got in.  Vuxenutbildningen are in charge of handling all the paper  works.  I despise them because they are so lazy and lack service.  They are actually kind of rude.  I called them a few times to know about the status of my application.  The one that was just sitting there for months.  Instead of patiently listening to my simple problem, they interrupt me and treat me like some illiterate naïve stranger who has no idea about how the system works.  All I know is there system sucks.  I get infuriated after getting a letter by mail the day before my course starts, letting me know that I never got in because there were too many people who applied for the same course.  Even though I did apply early, and I did have all the requirements, I did not get in.  Thanks for letting me know about that the day before class starts. 

Driver’s license

I heard driving tests outside of the main city are not as tough.  Whenever I decide to take the test (which will NOT be this year) I will definitely take it outside of the city.  Meanwhile I’ll stick to walking.  It’s better for me anyway. 

My new #4  Changing my last name

I’m married but my name is still the same.  I was waiting for my permanent residency which I got.  I need to contact Skatteverket to get my last name as the same as my husband’s.  I was thinking more about the future when we have kids.  I need to do that before this year ends.

Refreshing the to-do list

1.       Get a Job

I got in contact with a job coach.  She helped me with my CV and personal letter in Swedish.  Now she’s going to help me look for jobs.  Very helpful.

Also, I have this interview on Sunday afternoon to work at the post office.  I told them I was interested in working as a seasonal employee.  Christmas is coming, who knows, maybe ill be lucky enough to finally work in this country.

2.       Get an education

I applied to a few universities to begin the nursing program starting spring semester 2013.  They are extremely selective, and they will definitely take the smart swedes here first.  I am still praying to get in.  It’s a 3-year program which I really want to do.  I’m waiting for the result.

3.       Get a Swedish driver’s license

4.       Change my last name

I've been sick lately.  That’s just the cherry on top.  No, wait.  The cherry on top is ….winter is around the corner.  Here I am sitting by the window typing, and at times, glancing outside.  The strong cold wind is separating the vibrant autumn leaves from their twigs.  Grey clouds spread like a thick blanket on top of freezing cold Sweden.  It’s 3pm, but it feels more like 7pm.  Darkness is taking over once again.  So depressing.

Step-by-step in Sweden : Checklist

It has been about one and a half months since I wrote my little to-do list and I continuously tried to remind myself that I will be able to achieve all these things through that magic word - patience.

I'm happy to share to you guys that I am finally having some progress in this country.  After 2 and a half years, that is.

Let me go through my little list that I made on my previous post:

1. I need a job. (in progress)

Any job, really.  Part-time, full-time, temporary.  I don't care! I just need one.

I lost count on how many I applied for! Frustrating. I finally got one last week! Thanks to the help of my wonderful husband.  So hopefully  I will start working as a marketing assistant for this MVNO, full-time.  I'll tell you all the good and bad things about it once I start. After all, it's going to be my first job in Sweden.

2. Need to get educated in SWEDISH. (in progress)

I see available well-paid jobs within healthcare.  Since I studied biology in the US, I'm really interested in getting into Sweden's 3-year nursing program.  I want to start that in the beginning of next year, which leaves me four months of waiting.  What do I do in the meantime?  Work my butt off.

Once I start my new job, which is within the field of administration, reception, and costumer service, I need to still keep looking for similar jobs.  First, because (as much as I want to stay committed in one job) I have no guarantee if I will be a permanent employee, and second, If by any chance this job is an extremely big pain, It wouldn't hurt to send a resume to another company.  Let's hope it's not that bad.

I couldn't apply for nursing this year because my Swedish language grades came a couple of days after the registration deadline, bummer, which is why I have to wait till next spring.  Talk about patience! I did, however, register for a 20-week receptionist program which will start in october. It's a full-time distance-learning program which will give me a certificate in the field of administration, something I will already be working on, but hopefully with this recognition, I might either get a better paying job or a promotion.  Options sound pretty good.

So that's what I do while I hopefully study sjuksköterska utbildning for 3 whole years.

3.  I still need a svenskt körkort.  (no action taken).

Yea. I really need to get that.

4.  I need a permanent residence permit. (CHECK)

And its a huge relief!  I got my permanent residency card from the Migrationsverket last month.  Now i regret making a stupid ID-card for 400sek.  But I am sure Swedes still prefer the typical ID over an alien residency card.

~~~

So that's what's going on!

We are still in the month of Ramadan, where all Muslims fast from dawn  till sunset, and doing that in Sweden at this time of the year is a major test! 20 hours!

I would sit in front of the table filled with delicious food, fresh fruits and refreshments right before sunset and sometimes it seems that the minutes will never move.  I think of how hard it is to be patient and wonder how everything in life is like this.  There is never an easy way out.  If you want something great, you can't just grab it and digest it.  We earn through hardship, and only then do we fully appreciate the value of something so special.  So when the sun suddenly sets, I appreciate that table full of food that some people don't even get a piece of in a day.  All that patience and hardship pays off when Sweden's cool refreshing water goes down my throat. I love Sweden's water!

So that's how I think of it.  Life here is progressing for me.  Working hard will get me to the place I want to be.  

Step-by-step in Sweden

I’m finally done with the basics.  That is to say, I have finally completed the Swedish language.  All those SFI courses, grund courses, and Svenska B lectures are over with.  May those days never come back again, Amen!  I honestly think Svenska B was a waste of time, but hey, it’s required for most qualificaitons.  

The next step is educating myself through Swedish.  I still need all the patience in the world.  I always thought of myself as the patient type.  Whatever happened to that Tani?   I think I had left it in America.  No worries.  My husband and I had recently taken a nice month-long vacation back home in the warm peach state.  I got the chance to find that hidden sack of patience in my old room in Atlanta and took it with me to Sweden.  So what’s my purpose of being so patient?

1

1.  I need a job.
2.  I need a degree that is appropriate for this country.  In other words, I need to get educated in SWEDISH.  Make my karriär you know?  Not career, silly.   
3. I still need a svenskt körkort.  An American driver’s license stays only in America, whether I like it or not.
4.   I need a permanent residence permit.  Because as of now, I am NOT getting any kind of financial aid.

My dad tells me knowledge is power, and that is so true.  He also says to “always follow your dreams” and I am lucky to have parents who would say that.  But if I really want to follow these sayings, there is one thing I need to start doing, despite all the pressure.  And that’s being patient.  

Just wait and watch world!